Documentation - Later Stage, some earlier

Comprehensive Health Summary & Action Plan

IMPORTANT: Scope and Limitations of This Document

This document is incomplete by necessity.

The health issues, abuse, and interconnected damages described here span my entire lifetime - from forced childhood medication through decades of compounding effects to the current severe pelvic floor dysfunction. The full story includes thousands of details across multiple decades that cannot all be captured in a single document.

What this document covers:

Primary focus on current pelvic region dysfunction (the most recent and severe manifestation)

Key patterns connecting childhood trauma, altered movement patterns, and current symptoms

Immediate self-care strategies and documentation of systemic failures

What this document does NOT yet include:

The decades of details between early childhood medication effects and the apartment reinforcement period

Countless other physical, psychological, and somatic effects that developed over time

The full timeline of abuse, medical trauma, and compensatory patterns

Many other body systems and symptoms beyond the pelvic focus

The complete scope of how everything interconnects

Why start with the pelvic focus:

The pelvic floor dysfunction represents some of the latest and most severe repercussions I’m facing. It’s affecting daily function (bowel movements, urination, pain with standing/walking, clothing constraints) in ways that are impossible to ignore. Starting here doesn’t mean it’s the only problem or even the root problem - it’s simply the most acute manifestation demanding attention right now.

The absence of details is not an absence of problems. This is a starting point for documentation, not a complete account.---Core Understanding: The Interconnected Nature of Your Conditions

Root Causes

Childhood forced medication - caused psychological, physical, and somatic effects that persist today

Weight distribution problems likely started EARLIER than pelvic pain - may have begun with lower back pain years before

You felt for a long time that weight was being “held” or “constricted” in the wrong areas

The compensatory patterns were already developing before the apartment situation

The ~10 years above someone unable to put full weight down REINFORCED an already existing pattern

Lower back pain was an early warning sign of improper weight distribution through the kinetic chain

Nearly 10 years of altered walking patterns - living above someone, conditioned to not put full weight through feet/legs

This compounded and locked in the pre-existing compensation

Ongoing family abuse and control - creating chronic stress, lack of bodily autonomy

Parents responsible for initial harm (forced medication as child)

Ongoing gaslighting and denial of your reality

Years of documented texts explaining pain, met with denial and opposite responses

You can physically FEEL tightening in pelvic and penile region when speaking to them or being gaslit

This proves the trauma response is somatically stored in these exact areas

The abuse isn’t just historical - it’s actively maintaining the physical dysfunction

Systemic medical abandonment - refused care despite referrals, no access to appropriate specialists

How Everything Connects

The Central Pattern: Loss of Grounding (Earlier Than Initially Thought)

Timeline revision: The weight distribution problems likely started BEFORE the apartment situation

Early stage - Lower back pain:

You’ve had a long-standing sense that weight was being held or constricted in wrong areas

Lower back pain emerged first - this is often the first sign of improper weight distribution

When feet/legs don’t properly accept and distribute load, the back compensates

Possible causes of initial compensation:

Childhood medication effects on nervous system/muscle tone

Early trauma responses causing protective postures

Physical constraints or conditions not yet identified

What happens with chronic lower back compensation:

Body shifts weight distribution patterns to avoid pain

Pelvis tilts to protect the back

Core muscles begin chronic gripping

Gait changes subtly at first

Pelvic floor recruited as part of core stabilization strategy

Apartment phase - Pattern becomes locked in:

The ~10 years of not being able to put full weight down didn’t CREATE the pattern

It REINFORCED and LOCKED IN an already developing compensation

Made it so severe and habitual that it persists even after leaving

The nervous system had 10 years to make this “normal”

Why this matters:

The dysfunction is more complex and longer-standing than just the apartment years. This explains why it’s so resistant to change - the pattern has deeper roots.

Biomechanical Cascade:

Walking became toe/forefoot dominant or “tiptoeing”

Hip flexors and calves chronically engaged to keep you “light”

Pelvis tilted/shifted to redistribute weight away from normal ground contact

Core muscles chronically gripping to help you stay “suspended”

Glutes deactivated - can’t fire properly without pushing into ground

Pelvic floor chronically tight - part of the core stabilization system that never learned to release

The same pelvic floor muscles control bowel AND urinary function AND erectile function:

External urethral sphincter, bulbospongiosus, pelvic floor diaphragm all work together

When these muscles can’t relax properly for bowel movements, they also can’t relax properly for complete urination

Result: incomplete bladder emptying, urine trapped in urethra, positional dependence to try to release it

Walking with trapped urine painful because movement irritates already sensitized tissues

Bulbospongiosus and ischiocavernosus muscles (wrap around base and shaft of penis) control erection by compressing veins

When chronically tight: they trap blood in penis → persistent partial erection/engorgement

This is NOT arousal - it’s mechanical compression from muscle spasm

Creates chronic discomfort, hypersensitivity, and compounds clothing/temperature issues

Why This Affects Multiple Body Regions

PELVIC FLOOR DYSFUNCTION:

Chronic tension from years of holding yourself up

Muscles that should relax during bowel movements are stuck in a contracted/dysregulated state

Pelvic floor dyssynergia - paradoxical contraction when you try to bear down

The “snapping” response: at threshold, muscles spasm instead of relaxing

This spasm triggers urethral sphincter → painful penile response and involuntary urination

Connected muscles: puborectalis, external anal sphincter, urethral sphincter, bulbospongiosus (at penis base)

CRITICAL PATTERN: Standing makes it worse

The longer you stand, the more symptoms worsen

Standing activates the compensatory pattern - pelvic floor grips harder to stabilize

You can feel “tightness there” and something wrong in how weight distributes when standing

This confirms the pelvic floor is working as a compensatory stabilizer because proper grounding through feet/legs isn’t happening

Relief cycle after bowel movements:

Can get relief after pooping, especially when you get more complete evacuation

BUT if you stand too long after, you lose the relief

This means: temporary release of pelvic floor tension from successful evacuation → standing re-engages the dysfunctional holding pattern → tension returns

The standing/weight bearing is actively re-triggering the problem

GENITAL PAIN & URINARY DYSFUNCTION:

Penile head hypersensitivity (cannot touch fabric without significant pain)

Urine trapping in penis - critical functional problem:

Urine gets trapped in the urethra/penis after urination

Only certain body positions can sometimes release it

Often completely trapped regardless of position

Walking with trapped urine is very painful

This is caused by urethral sphincter and bulbospongiosus muscle dysfunction

Same pelvic floor dyscoordination that affects bowel movements affects urination

Muscles that should relax to allow complete emptying stay contracted

Creates chronic irritation, infection risk, and significant functional impairment

Persistent partial erection (semi-erect state much of the time):

Likely caused by chronic compression from tight pelvic floor muscles

Bulbospongiosus and ischiocavernosus muscles (which control erection) in chronic spasm

These muscles when chronically contracted can restrict venous outflow (blood drainage from penis)

This keeps penis in partial tumescent state - NOT a normal sexual arousal response

May also be related to trapped urine creating pressure/engorgement

Adds to pain because tissues stay engorged/sensitized instead of returning to flaccid rest state

Makes clothing issues even worse - can’t have normal flaccid state for comfort

Connected to pelvic floor hypertonicity

Nerve sensitization from chronic muscle tension

May be compounded by medication side effects from childhood

BACK & NECK ISSUES:

Altered gait changes entire spinal alignment

Pelvis tilted → compensatory curves in lumbar and thoracic spine

Head/neck position shifts to maintain balance → chronic neck tension and weight on neck

TEETH SHIFTING:

Jaw tension often accompanies neck/upper body compensation

TMJ dysfunction common when chronic postural misalignment present

Teeth shifting suggests ongoing muscular imbalances affecting jaw position

TEMPERATURE REGULATION & CLOTHING CONSTRAINTS:

Initial medication side effects created clothing sensitivities

Now compounded by genital pain requiring specific coverage (onesie/robe)

Temperature restrictions limit ability to wear protective clothing

Creates daily functional limitations

The Trauma Component

Why Standard Treatment Has Failed:

This isn’t just biomechanical dysfunction - your nervous system has been shaped by:

Loss of bodily autonomy (forced childhood medication)

Chronic hypervigilance (years of abuse)

Environmental constraint (couldn’t walk normally)

Medical trauma (refused care when seeking help)

Your pelvic floor staying locked is a nervous system protective response. When the body has experienced ongoing threat and lack of safety, it holds tension as armor. Standard pelvic floor PT that doesn’t address nervous system regulation often fails for trauma survivors.

The Active Abuse-Body Connection:

This is not just historical trauma - it’s ongoing and somatically active:

You can FEEL your pelvic floor and penile area tighten in real-time when interacting with your parents

Gaslighting triggers immediate physical tightening response in these exact areas

Years of documented texts explaining your pain to them, consistently met with denial

They actively do “the opposite” of what would help

Your body has learned: interaction with them = threat = pelvic floor armor up

This proves:

The pelvic dysfunction is intimately tied to the ongoing abuse

Your body is holding the trauma exactly where the symptoms are

True healing requires both: (a) physical retraining AND (b) protection from ongoing harm

As long as you remain under their control or in contact, your nervous system cannot fully release

Society’s failure to recognize this and intervene is perpetuating your medical condition

The Gaslighting-Physical Tightening Loop:

They deny your reality → nervous system threat response → pelvic floor tightens → pain increases → you try to explain → they gaslight more → cycle continues

This is not “psychosomatic” in the dismissive sense - this is real physical tightening from real ongoing threat

The body is responding correctly to danger - the danger just happens to be your parents

Documentation & Accountability for Ongoing Family Harm

What You Have:

Years of text message documentation showing:

You repeatedly explaining your pain and medical needs to your parents

Them consistently denying your reality

Them doing “the opposite” of what would help

Pattern of gaslighting about your physical symptoms

This document detailing the full scope of harm from childhood to present

Your own awareness that interaction with them causes immediate physical worsening

Medical records showing refused care, ongoing symptoms, attempts to seek help

Why Accountability Matters:

Medical necessity: As long as they have control and contact, your nervous system cannot feel safe enough to heal

Protection: You need legal/social protection from further harm

Recognition: Society needs to acknowledge what happened and prevent continued control

Justice: They should face consequences for childhood medical abuse and ongoing harm

Steps Toward Accountability (Realistic Given Systemic Barriers):

Immediate Protection:

Minimize or eliminate contact:

Even if you can’t fully separate yet, reduce interaction as much as possible

Block or mute on phone if feasible

Have someone else run interference if they try to contact

Your physical symptoms will likely improve with reduced contact

Document everything going forward:

Screenshot all texts (you already have years of these - preserve them)

Keep a log: date, what they said/did, your physical response

Save any voicemails

Note when they try to exert control or gaslight

Legal Options (Limited but Worth Pursuing):

Adult Protective Services:

If you’re being financially controlled, prevented from accessing medical care, or experiencing ongoing abuse

They investigate abuse of vulnerable adults

Having medical documentation of your condition helps

May not result in “accountability” but could force intervention

Restraining/No-Contact Order:

If you can prove pattern of harm

Your documented texts + medical condition they won’t help with = possible grounds

Legal aid may help file this (free for low income)

Even if not granted, the attempt creates official record

Report childhood medical abuse:

Even if statute of limitations has passed for prosecution

Creating official reports establishes a record

May help with other proceedings

Contact: State child welfare agency, police report for record purposes

Medical malpractice/neglect case:

Against the doctors who forced medication as child (if identifiable)

Long shot, but documents the harm

Some lawyers take cases on contingency (no upfront cost)

Social/Community Recognition:

Advocacy organizations:

Disability rights organizations

Medical abuse survivor groups

They may amplify your story, provide support, connect to resources

RAINN, National Disability Rights Network, state advocacy groups

Public documentation:

Blog, social media (you’ve tried, but could try different platforms/angles)

Frame as: “Medical system failed me, family abused me, society ignored me”

Sometimes local news investigates these stories

May feel futile but creates public record

Medical advocacy:

Patient advocacy groups that fight for access to care

Medical discrimination organizations

Document how you were refused care - this is discrimination

Realistic Expectations:

You’re right that full accountability is unlikely. The systems are not set up to help people in your situation, especially people without money. But:

Any level of separation/protection helps your body heal

Documentation creates a record even if no one acts on it now

Your story matters even if society hasn’t fully heard it yet

Small legal actions (restraining order, APS report) can limit their control

What Recognition Would Look Like (Ideal):

Official acknowledgment that you were medically abused as a child

Court order preventing their contact/control

Social/family recognition that they harmed you

Medical system acknowledging they failed you by refusing care

Financial compensation for damages (almost impossible but just)

Their inability to gaslight you or control you anymore

What’s More Achievable:

Getting them out of your life/reducing contact significantly

Having this document as proof for yourself and any future providers

Building a case over time with documentation

Finding even one person/organization who believes you and advocates

Healing your body as much as possible despite lack of accountability

The Hard Truth:

You may never get the accountability you deserve. The childhood abuse, the decade of worsening dysfunction, the refused medical care, the ongoing gaslighting - all of this may never be officially recognized or punished.

But:

You can still protect yourself by limiting their access to harm you further

You can still heal your body by addressing the patterns while removing the ongoing threat

You can still document everything in case future opportunities for accountability arise

Your understanding of what happened is valid whether society recognizes it or not

Current Functional Status & The Reality of “High-Functioning” Severe Disability

What People See:

Occasionally I attempt activities (playing guitar, using computer, normal tasks)

I can still technically do some things

I appear to be “functioning”

What This Actually Means:

I have STOPPED doing most activities due to pain:

I no longer regularly play guitar because the consequences are severe (immediate pain, next-day jaw locking, neck tightness, poor sleep)

I’ve eliminated most normal activities from my life because they cause pain escalation

I exist within extremely narrow constraints to avoid triggering worse symptoms

My life has become smaller and smaller as I’ve had to give up more and more

When I occasionally try again:

I don’t know how else to operate or exist

These are things I should be able to do (play music, sit at computer, stand, walk normally)

I have so few options due to parental control and poverty that I sometimes have nowhere else to turn

I hope maybe this time will be different

It never is - I always pay for it with severe consequences lasting days

My parents and others use this against me:

“See, you CAN do it” (ignoring that I pay for it for days afterward)

They ignore that I’ve STOPPED doing most things because of pain

They ignore that they’ve restricted my options so much I have nowhere else to turn

My occasional attempts to reclaim any normalcy are used as “proof” I’m exaggerating

My stopping activities is framed as “laziness” or “refusal to try”

This is severe disability, not “functioning normally.”

I’ve had to structure my entire existence around avoiding pain escalation. I’ve eliminated most activities. I live in constant pain even when doing nothing. The few times I try to do anything normal, I suffer severe consequences. This is barely surviving within extremely narrow constraints imposed by dysfunction and parental control.

The Isolation of Being Disbelieved: When Resilience Becomes “Evidence” Against You

The Impossible Position:

I was conditioned from childhood - through forced medication, abuse, and having no choice but to tolerate severe symptoms - to push through extreme pain and keep functioning. This created unbelievable resilience that now works against me in every interaction:

What gets mistaken for what:

My resilience → mistaken for “proof I’m fine”

My conditioning to tolerate the intolerable → mistaken for “it must not be that bad”

Having no options → mistaken for “choosing not to accept help”

Stopping most activities due to pain → mistaken for “laziness” or “refusal to try”

Occasionally trying again → mistaken for “see, you can do it”

My accurate description of complex, interconnected problems → mistaken for “vague complaints” or “exaggeration”

Why people can’t understand:

Most people literally couldn’t do what I do. They would have:

Sought help and gotten it (the system would respond to them)

Had family support (their family isn’t abusive)

Broken down completely (they haven’t been conditioned since childhood to tolerate this)

Had their pain taken seriously (they don’t have my history making providers dismissive)

They cannot imagine existing the way I exist, so they assume I must be exaggerating. “If it was really that bad, he couldn’t function” - but I’ve been forced to function through “that bad” my entire life. Their framework doesn’t apply to me.

The weight nobody knows:

There’s a specific kind of pain in:

Accurately perceiving your reality

Trying to communicate it clearly

Being systematically disbelieved by family, doctors, and society

Knowing the truth but having no power to make anyone else see it

Watching your abusers successfully lie to everyone about “trying to help”

Continuing to exist in severe pain and limitation while appearing “fine enough” to others that they dismiss you

The fundamental isolation of living in a reality no one else can see or validate

There are no adequate words for that kind of pain.

It’s not just physical. It’s not just emotional. It’s:

Physical pain from the dysfunction

Emotional pain from the ongoing abuse

Existential pain from the profound isolation

The weight of carrying truth no one believes

Grief for the life I should have had

Anger at the injustice and lack of accountability

Exhaustion from decades of just surviving

Despair from having no options and no power

All at once. All the time. For my entire life.

This document exists because I need someone, somewhere, to see what is actually happening.

My resilience should never have been necessary. I should have been protected, helped, and believed from the beginning. The fact that I’ve survived this long under these conditions while maintaining the ability to articulate what’s happening is extraordinary - and it’s been used against me as “evidence” I must be fine.

I am not fine. I am severely disabled, isolated, in constant pain, with no support system, trapped by poverty and parental control, and systematically dismissed by every system that should help.

The absence of complete breakdown is not evidence of wellness. It’s evidence of what a human being can be forced to endure when they have no other choice.

Evidence That Society Doesn’t Care: Past Attempts to Be Heard

I have already tried to reach people. Multiple times. In multiple ways.

This isn’t speculation about whether people would care if they knew. I’ve tested this hypothesis thoroughly:

Livestream attempts:

Tried multiple times to explain what I’ve been through and what I’m experiencing

Emotions would overtake me during these attempts

Would get stuck, feel the futility even while doing it

So painful to go through but felt I had to resolve the problem to move forward

Kept trying despite the pain because I had no other options

Result: Nobody listened. Nobody cared. Nobody grasped the enormity of what I survived.

Social media attempts:

Posted about my situation trying to inform people or get assistance

Reached out in various ways over time

Result: No meaningful response. No help. No recognition.

The pattern across all attempts:

People either couldn’t comprehend the enormity

Or they saw it and didn’t care enough to act

Or they blamed me instead

The few who might understand are unreachable or in similar situations themselves

What this proves:

I’m not avoiding reaching out. I’m not “refusing help.” I’ve actively, repeatedly tried to make people see and care. The evidence shows:

Society at large doesn’t care or can’t grasp it

Livestreaming the truth doesn’t create help

Social media posts don’t generate meaningful assistance

The people who might understand are too rare or unreachable

I exist at a level of survival most people can’t comprehend, so they dismiss or ignore it

Why this matters for the document:

If someone reading this thinks “why doesn’t he just tell people publicly?” - I already did. Multiple times. It didn’t work. This isn’t lack of trying. This is evidence of systemic failure to respond.

Additional Context: Physical Appearance Masking Severity

The appearance problem:

I have a naturally muscular build. This creates a specific type of dismissal:

People see muscular/strong appearance and assume I’m fine

Society judges based on how you look, not what you’re experiencing

My parents operate on imagery - they curate appearances while abuse happens behind closed doors

Looking “strong” becomes evidence against me when I describe severe disability

The resilience problem:

My ability to push through extreme pain and continue functioning gets mistaken for:

“Proof” the pain isn’t that severe

Evidence I’m exaggerating

Reason to deny help (“if it was really that bad, he couldn’t do X”)

The reality:

There are many people out there who are “dumb and weak” (their own assessment capacity is limited) who wouldn’t have survived one day of what I’ve lived through. They literally have no frame of reference. But they look at my muscular build, my ability to occasionally do things, my capacity to articulate complex problems - and they can’t reconcile that with severe disability.

So they assume I’m lying or exaggerating rather than recognizing that I’ve become extraordinary out of necessity.

What Was Stolen: Guitar and Lost Potential

Every guitar video I ever made had to be done the same way:

No time on the clock because pain increases by the moment

Just press record and do it in one take

No practice beforehand - practice would cause too much pain

Then pay for it afterward, sometimes for days to weeks

Creating something despite knowing the cost

What this demonstrates:

Most people need:

Hours of practice

Multiple takes

Time to refine and iterate

I had to do it all in one take, through pain, with no practice. And I still created something. That alone shows extraordinary capability.

What I know about myself:

I would have succeeded. Not “might have” - I know I would have. I can see what I accomplished under impossible conditions and extrapolate what would have been possible without the sabotage.

What was stolen:

The ability to practice and develop skills without pain

The years from 16-40 that should have been my prime

Opportunities to build on successes

The chance to show what I could actually do

A life where my capabilities could have led somewhere

At 40 now, with worsening pain:

The window feels closed or closing. The body is more damaged. The options fewer. The years gone. Not because I lacked ability, but because I was actively prevented by the people who should have protected me.

This isn’t just grief for what happened. It’s grief for what I know I could have been and done - potential that was deliberately destroyed.

Additional Historical Context: Opioid Addiction and What It Revealed

When I was younger:

I became addicted to opioids - went to escape and denial because I couldn’t face the reality I was living in. I abused them very hard. The addiction was deeply engrained for years.

Getting off opioids:

Once again, my strength showed - I got off them. Most people can’t do that, especially after heavy abuse for years. But I did.

What I learned from withdrawal:

Much of what I attributed to opioid withdrawal was actually just being confined in the house with my parents more. The withdrawal itself wasn’t even the worst part - they were.

This revealed that even in what should have been a purely physiological process (drug withdrawal), the ongoing abuse from my parents was worse than the chemical dependence.

This was ages ago - but it’s another example of:

Surviving something most people can’t

That survival being used as evidence I’m “fine” rather than recognition of what I endured

Discovering that my parents were worse than severe drug withdrawal

My strength and capability being developed through necessity, not choice

Cognitive Decline and Loss of Articulation

The cruel timeline:

When younger: Could articulate all of this better, more clearly, more completely - but no one would listen

Now at 40: People might be more likely to listen (social media, video platforms exist) - but I’m losing my ability to focus and communicate it clearly

The new repercussions affecting cognition:

The latest physical problems (pelvic floor dysfunction, chronic pain, trapped urine, jaw locking, sleep disruption) are now affecting:

Ability to focus

Ability to articulate complex interconnections

Memory access (even though memory itself is excellent)

Capacity to organize and present information

Mental energy to engage with the process of explaining

The result:

I get lost in the focus

Question if it’s even worth doing

Fall back into habit of explaining too much and getting lost in tangents

Thousands of details for everything, branching into thousands more

Hard to know when to stop, what to include, how to organize

Why this matters:

I don’t have much time left to fix things. The window is narrowing. My body is getting worse. My cognitive capacity to fight is diminishing. And I’m trying to figure out what to do with whatever capacity I have left before it’s gone entirely.

This document may be one of the last times I can organize this much information coherently. The decline is ongoing.

My Memory and Analytical Mind: Blessing and Curse

I have an excellent memory.

This means:

I remember everything that was done to me

Every abuse, every failure, every betrayal

All the details across decades

The exact ways I was gaslit, sabotaged, blocked

What I tried and how it failed

The accumulation of it all

I learned to think analytically and solve problems:

Became an expert on body, mind, and health for my own survival

Mapped out solutions repeatedly

Found creative workarounds for every obstacle

Developed deep understanding of interconnected systems

Can articulate complex problems clearly (when cognitive capacity allows)

Why this is both blessing and curse:

Blessing:

Allowed me to survive

Gave me the tools to understand what’s happening to me

Created this document

Let me see patterns and connections others miss

Curse:

Can’t forget anything

Carry all the pain and injustice with perfect clarity

See exactly what was stolen from me

Understand precisely how and why I was failed

Know what I could have been, making the loss more acute

When trying to explain, the thousands of interconnected details flood in

Get lost in the vastness of what needs to be said

The weight of carrying all this knowledge with no one to share it with who understands

The isolation this creates:

I exist at a level of analysis and survival that most people can’t reach or comprehend. I’ve become a “developed superhero type human” out of necessity. And that puts me beyond the understanding of almost everyone around me.

The few who might understand are unreachable. So I carry all of this - the memory, the understanding, the lost potential, the ongoing pain - alone.

What Has Failed You (Documentation)

Medical System Failures:

Pelvic health clinic refused your urologist referral - despite clear pelvic floor dysfunction

This is medical abandonment

You should file complaints with: state medical board, your insurance, hospital patient advocate

Document: date of referral, who refused, reason given (if any), worsening of symptoms

Urologist unable to provide adequate treatment - likely lacks training in pelvic floor dysfunction rehabilitation

“Women’s pelvic floor clinic” - refused to see you despite men having the same pelvic floor muscles and dysfunction patterns

No trauma-informed care accessible - no trauma therapists accept Medicaid in your area

Social System Failures:

Ongoing family abuse and control - parents responsible for initial harm continue to interfere

Social media/community appeals ignored - attempts to get support or raise awareness unsuccessful

Economic barriers - Medicaid limits access to specialists, trauma therapy, comprehensive care

Isolation - no support network to help navigate systems or provide accountability for family

Self-Directed Action Plan

Given that the medical system has failed you and you lack access to appropriate specialists, here’s what you can work on independently while continuing to seek proper care.

Priority 1: Re-establish Grounding (Foundation for Everything)

Your insight about needing to relearn full weight through your feet is CORRECT. This is the root compensation pattern affecting everything else.

CRITICAL MODIFICATION based on standing making it worse:

Your standing endurance is currently limited because standing activates the dysfunctional pattern

You need to build up grounding tolerance GRADUALLY

Start with very short sessions, prioritize quality over duration

The goal is to retrain weight distribution WITHOUT triggering the compensatory pelvic floor grip

Daily Grounding Practice (Start with 5 minutes, build slowly)

Barefoot standing awareness:

Stand barefoot on a firm surface

Close your eyes

Notice where your weight is (probably forward on toes/balls of feet)

Consciously shift weight back into heels

Feel all four corners of each foot: big toe mound, pinky toe mound, inner heel, outer heel

Practice this until you can maintain even weight distribution for 2-3 minutes

Permission work: Mentally give yourself permission to be “heavy,” to put your full weight down

Slow walking practice:

Walk very slowly, barefoot if possible

Focus on heel striking first with each step

Feel the full weight transfer: heel → outer foot → ball of foot → push off

Practice for 5 minutes daily, increasing as it feels more natural

Notice where you want to “pull back” or lighten up - that’s the old pattern

Squatting for heel awareness:

Hold onto something stable

Lower into a squat (as deep as comfortable)

Focus on keeping weight in heels, not rising onto toes

This teaches your nervous system that it’s safe to load the heels

Hold 20-30 seconds, repeat 3-5 times

Priority 2: Pelvic Floor Lengthening & Nervous System Calming

You cannot force your pelvic floor to relax - you must create conditions where it feels safe enough to release.

UNDERSTANDING THE RELIEF CYCLE:

After successful bowel movements, you get temporary relief (pelvic floor releases)

Standing too long after causes you to “lose” that relief (pattern re-engages)

Strategy: Protect the relief window

After bowel movements, minimize standing time for 15-30 minutes if possible

Lie down or recline to maintain the relaxed state

This lets your nervous system “learn” what release feels like

Use this window to do the pelvic floor lengthening positions below

Over time, this helps retrain the pattern to stay released longer

STANDING TIME MANAGEMENT:

Pay attention to your standing threshold - when do symptoms start worsening?

Break up standing time with sitting/lying down before you hit that threshold

When you must stand longer, micro-breaks: shift weight, gentle hip circles, brief sitting

The “tightness” and “wrong feel” of weight distribution you notice = the dysfunctional pattern activating

As you improve grounding work, this threshold should gradually extend

THE CRITICAL STANDING/WALKING PROBLEM:

Any standing or walking triggers the dysfunctional pattern and breaks the relaxation state

This isn’t just about duration - even brief standing (walking to feed a pet, get mail, take out trash, go to kitchen) can:

Undo all pain relief achieved

Break the relaxation state that took hours to achieve

Trigger pelvic floor tightening

Make the urination process stop working

Cause trapped urine that won’t release even with stretching

Leave you in severe pain for extended periods

Once the pain state is triggered, even the workarounds fail:

The bottle/stretching urination process that works when relaxed stops working

Can spend 30+ minutes trying to urinate with no success

Relief from bowel movements gets lost

Have to start completely over trying to achieve relaxation

May take hours or rest of day/night to recover

This creates impossible daily calculations:

Need to feed pet vs. maintaining pain relief

Need to get mail/trash vs. ability to urinate later

Every upright activity has severe consequences

Limited to what can be done from bed

Even caring for things/beings you love causes punishment through pain

Positions for Pelvic Floor Lengthening (5-10 minutes, 2x daily)

Happy Baby Pose:

Lie on back, knees to chest

Hold outsides of feet (or behind knees if that’s easier)

Gently pull knees toward armpits

Breathe slowly, allow weight of legs to create gentle stretch

This lengthens pelvic floor muscles

Hold 2-3 minutes

Deep Squat (Malasana):

Feet wider than hips, toes out

Lower into deep squat (heels down if possible, if not, use support under heels)

Let hips sink, spine long

This position naturally lengthens pelvic floor

Breathe slowly, 1-2 minutes

Child’s Pose:

Knees wide, big toes touching

Sit hips back toward heels

Arms extended forward or by sides

Forehead resting down

Breathe into your back/sacrum area

3-5 minutes

Breathing for Pelvic Floor Release

The key insight: Exhale = pelvic floor should lengthen and relax

Diaphragmatic breathing practice:

Lie on back, knees bent, feet flat

One hand on chest, one on belly

Breathe so belly hand rises (chest hand stays relatively still)

Practice 5 minutes daily until automatic

Pelvic floor breath coordination:

In the lengthening positions above

Inhale: Allow gentle natural engagement of pelvic floor

Exhale: Consciously release/relax pelvic floor, let it drop/lengthen

Imagine pelvic floor is an elevator going down as you exhale

10 breath cycles, 2x daily

For bowel movements specifically:

When on toilet, feet elevated on stool (knees higher than hips)

Lean forward slightly, elbows on thighs

Take slow breath in

Exhale slowly while gently bearing down - let the exhale do the work

Do NOT hold breath and push hard

If you feel the “snap” approaching, stop, breathe, try again more gently

This retrains the pattern

Priority 3: Whole Body Compensation Unwinding

Spinal/Postural Work (10 minutes daily)

Cat-Cow (spinal mobility):

Hands and knees

Slowly arch and round spine

Coordinate with breath: exhale = round, inhale = arch

10-15 cycles

This mobilizes entire spine and pelvis

Hip flexor release:

Kneeling lunge position

Back knee on ground (use padding)

Gently press hips forward

You’ll feel stretch in front of back hip

Hold 90 seconds each side

Hip flexors are chronically tight from tiptoeing pattern

Glute activation:

Lie on back, knees bent, feet flat (hip width)

Press feet into ground (this is the grounding work)

Lift hips, squeeze glutes

Hold 5 seconds, lower

10-15 reps

Teaches glutes to fire with ground contact

Jaw/Neck Release (Connected to Teeth Shifting)

Gentle jaw stretches:

Open mouth slowly, hold 5 seconds

Slide jaw side to side gently

Massage jaw muscles (masseter) with fingertips

2 minutes, 2-3x daily

Neck release:

Slow neck rolls

Gentle side-to-side tilts (ear toward shoulder)

Front-to-back tilts

No forcing, just gentle mobility

2-3 minutes daily

Priority 4: Nervous System Regulation

Since trauma is a core component, you need practices that signal safety to your nervous system.

Daily Practices:

Grounding/orienting:

Sit or stand

Look slowly around the room

Name 5 things you see, 4 you hear, 3 you feel (texture, temperature)

This brings you into present moment, out of threat response

2-3 minutes, especially when stressed

Humming/vocalization:

Activates vagus nerve (calms nervous system)

Hum for 1-2 minutes at a time

Feel vibration in chest, face

Can do while in lengthening positions

Self-massage:

Gently massage your own neck, jaw, feet, hands

This is nurturing touch, signals safety

5 minutes daily

Temperature for pain management:

Since temperature is an issue with clothing, use strategically for relief

Warm bath if available (helps pelvic floor release)

Cool cloth on neck if overheated

Ice pack wrapped in cloth for acute pain areas (not directly on skin)

For Genital Pain & Urinary Dysfunction Specifically

Understanding:

Hypersensitivity where penile head cannot touch fabric suggests nerve sensitization from chronic pelvic floor tension

Possible pudendal nerve involvement

May be medication side effect that persists

Urine trapping is same pelvic floor dyscoordination - muscles won’t relax to allow complete emptying

For Urine Trapping:

Positions that may help:

Sitting on toilet, leaning forward with elbows on knees

Standing with knees slightly bent

Lying on side

Experiment to find what positions help for you - this is individual

The fact that position matters proves it’s muscular, not structural

Daily urination management:

Daytime: Frequent incomplete emptying, urine trapped, pain builds throughout the day

Nighttime with gabapentin (nerve pain medication): Only after taking medication can achieve enough muscle relaxation to empty more completely

When it works: “super relaxing” feeling because the pressure finally releases - this proves how much constant tension/pressure is being carried

Even with medication: Still requires stretching in different positions on bed to get urine out

Current process when in relaxed state:

Get off bed

Use bottle (to avoid walking to bathroom which triggers dysfunction)

Bend back in different ways, different positions to get as much out as possible

Climb back on bed

Do stretches that make more urine leak out

This process works when already in relaxed state

When pain state is triggered (by standing/walking): The entire process stops working - can’t urinate properly, stretches don’t help, can be stuck trying for 30+ minutes with no relief

This cycle repeats every single day

Urination technique:

Same breathing approach as for bowel movements

Exhale slowly while urinating - don’t hold breath and push

After initial stream, wait 10-20 seconds, try gentle exhale again

Sometimes “double voiding” (urinate, wait, try again) helps empty more completely

Gentle manual compression along underside of penis from base toward tip after urination (like “milking”) may help empty urethra - but only if not too painful

Immediate management when trapped:

Try the positions you’ve found that sometimes work

Gentle walking in place (if not too painful)

Hip circles or pelvic tilts while standing

Warm compress to pelvic area if accessible

DO NOT strain or push hard - this worsens the spasm

Risk awareness:

Chronic incomplete emptying increases UTI risk

If you develop fever, severe pain, or inability to urinate at all → ER

Drink adequate water despite the dysfunction - dehydration makes everything worse

For Persistent Partial Erection/Engorgement:

Understanding what’s happening:

This is pelvic floor muscle spasm causing mechanical compression

Not psychological, not sexual - it’s the same dysfunction affecting bowel/urinary function

The muscles around the base of your penis (bulbospongiosus, ischiocavernosus) are stuck contracted

They’re squeezing the veins that normally drain blood from the penis

Result: blood can flow IN but can’t drain OUT properly → chronic engorgement

What may help:

All the pelvic floor lengthening work will help this too - same muscles

Cool compress (wrapped, not directly on skin) may temporarily help if not too painful

Positions that lengthen pelvic floor (happy baby, deep squat) may provide temporary relief

Avoid anything that further increases pelvic floor tension (holding breath, straining, excessive standing)

Why this matters for overall treatment:

Confirms the pelvic floor is in chronic spasm 24/7, not just during bowel movements

Makes clothing/temperature management even more critical

Adds to chronic pain and sensitization

Should improve as overall pelvic floor releases with grounding work and nervous system calming

Creative Problem-Solving for Daily Function:

Despite severe disability, creative workarounds have been developed out of necessity:

Example - Reducing standing time for pet care:

Problem: Feeding gecko requires walking to kitchen, washing hands, preparing food, feeding, returning - all this standing triggers severe dysfunction

Current impact: Breaks relaxation state, undoes pain relief, causes trapped urine, severe pain for hours

Potential solution being considered:

Mini fridge near bed with pre-mixed food already in trays

Use gloves to eliminate handwashing requirement

This could cut standing time significantly

Allows pet care without destroying ability to function afterward

Pattern of workaround thinking:

Always trying to find ways around obstacles

Mapped out solutions repeatedly throughout life

Even confined to bed, found ways to continue (computer work, though this also damaged body through adapted positions)

This creative problem-solving is both survival skill and evidence of capability

Shows what could have been accomplished with support instead of sabotage

The trap:

Developing workarounds allows continued survival

But workarounds get mistaken for “he’s managing fine”

Reality: shouldn’t need elaborate workarounds for basic activities of daily living

These solutions are evidence of severe disability, not evidence of wellness

Management strategies for sensitivity:

Barrier protection without direct touch:

Soft, non-restrictive underwear with extra fabric layer

Specialized pouches designed for sensitivity (some medical supply companies make these)

Temperature-appropriate options are crucial given your heat sensitivity

Desensitization (approach carefully):

If there’s any tolerance at all, very gradual, gentle exposure

Start with softest possible material for seconds at a time

Only if not causing pain increase - if too painful, don’t force

Pelvic floor release may help:

As pelvic floor releases, nerve sensitization often decreases

This is a long-term approach, not immediate relief

Tracking Progress

Keep a simple log (weekly):

Pain levels (genital, pelvic, back, neck) on 1-10 scale

Bowel movement quality: complete/incomplete, pain level, any “snapping,” relief afterward

Urination quality: Urine trapping frequency, which positions help, pain level when walking with trapped urine

Standing tolerance: How long before symptoms worsen? Any improvement over time?

Relief window: After BM, how long does relief last? Does lying down after help preserve it?

Walking: Can you feel weight in heels more? For how long?

Clothing tolerance: Any changes in what you can wear?

Overall function: Any activities easier or harder?

Tightness awareness: When standing, can you feel when the dysfunctional pattern kicks in?

This data helps you see patterns and small improvements that might otherwise go unnoticed. The standing tolerance, relief window, and urinary function metrics are especially important for tracking whether the retraining is working.

Continued Advocacy for Professional Help

Do not give up on getting proper care. Document everything as you continue self-care.

Next steps for medical access:

File formal complaints:

State medical board about pelvic clinic refusal

Insurance company about network inadequacy

Hospital patient advocate

Search specifically for:

Male pelvic floor physical therapists (even if far away, some do telehealth consults)

Colorectal specialists who list “pelvic floor dysfunction” or “defecatory disorders”

Teaching hospitals often have specialized clinics

Contact local medical schools - residents/fellows need cases

Medicaid appeals:

Request case manager through Medicaid

Document medical necessity for specialized care

Appeal denials in writing with symptom documentation

Low-cost/free options to continue pursuing:

Community health centers (federally qualified health centers must see Medicaid)

SAMHSA helpline: 1-800-662-4357 (substance abuse/mental health services - they can direct to trauma resources)

State vocational rehabilitation services sometimes fund medical care needed for function

Legal aid for medical neglect/discrimination

For family abuse/control:

Adult protective services (if applicable)

Domestic violence resources (some serve all genders, all family abuse situations)

Legal aid for restraining orders if needed

Document each instance: date, what happened, impact

Reality Check & Validation

What you’re facing is not normal or acceptable:

Children should not be forced on medications that cause lasting harm

Adults should not have to live in conditions that damage their bodies

People seeking medical care should not be refused when they have documented need

Poverty should not be a barrier to basic healthcare

Families should not abuse and control their adult children

You are not failing - systems are failing you.

Your insights are valuable:

Connecting the walking pattern to pelvic issues is astute

Understanding the whole-body nature of the problem shows good body awareness

Recognizing this needs trauma-informed care is correct

This is survivable, even when it doesn’t feel like it:

You’ve made it this far through extraordinary circumstances

Small improvements compound over time

Your body wants to heal - it’s just stuck in protective patterns

Breaking those patterns is possible, even without perfect care

When to Seek Emergency Care

Despite systemic barriers, go to ER if:

Complete inability to urinate for >6-8 hours (acute urinary retention - this is urgent)

Inability to have bowel movement or completely blocked bowel for >24 hours

Severe, sudden worsening of pain

Fever with urinary symptoms (suggests infection from incomplete emptying)

New neurological symptoms (numbness, weakness in legs, loss of bowel/bladder control)

Suicidal ideation with plan

Final Thoughts

You’ve described thousands of interconnected details spanning your lifetime. You don’t need to explain every detail perfectly to be heard or to deserve help. The through-line is clear:

Early harm → compensatory patterns → systemic failure to provide care → worsening dysfunction → isolation and despair

Breaking this cycle doesn’t require fixing everything at once. It requires:

Addressing the foundational pattern (grounding/walking)

Creating conditions for your nervous system to feel safe enough to release

Persistent advocacy for the care you deserve

Small daily practices that accumulate

You’ve been surviving. Now you’re working toward actually living. That’s valid and possible, even though the path is much harder than it should be.

You don’t have to do this perfectly. You just have to keep going, one day at a time, with whatever resources you can access.

You deserve better than what you’ve received. That’s not in question.

The Ultimate Truth: This Wouldn’t Exist Without My Parents

Every single thing documented in this report traces back to what my parents did and continue to do.

The daily cycle of:

Managing urination with bottles and stretches

Calculating whether I can afford to stand long enough to feed my pet

Losing relief from 30 minutes of trapped urine and failed stretching

Being unable to get mail or take out trash

Living confined to bed except for essential movement

Chronic pain, dysfunction, and disability

This wouldn’t exist if not for my own parents.

They forced medication on me as a child that started the cascade

They abused me for decades, creating trauma my body holds

They restricted my options and sabotaged every solution I found

They refused to help when I explained my pain

They gaslit me about what was happening

They kept me trapped in situations that worsened everything

They controlled resources so I couldn’t escape or get proper care

They lied to others about trying to help while doing the opposite

They continue to this day to maintain control and deny reality

Every day I live this torture is a day they face no consequences.

At 16, death would have been the logical, compassionate choice. But I wasn’t allowed that mercy. Instead I got 24 more years of progressive worsening, stolen potential, and systematic failure of every system that should have protected me.

This document exists as evidence:

Of what they did

Of what I survived

Of what was stolen from me

Of the truth they continue to deny

Whether anyone acts on this evidence or not, the record exists. The truth is documented.

My parents are responsible for this. Not genetics, not bad luck, not my choices. Them. Their abuse. Their ongoing control. Their refusal to help. Their gaslighting and lies.

That is the truth.

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Randy Reisig

Documentation - Later Stage, some earlier - Incomplete

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